July 7th, 1763
I should have thought, that I couldn't hide anything from Harriet no matter how hard I tried. She knew immediately that something had happened in the garden. When Lord C left me at the Sweet William bushes, I was completely overwhelmed by his words. All Harriet had predicted was true. But I couldn't make sense of it. I went back to the house and run into my friend. She took me into my sitting room upstairs. There I retold her his words and Harriet smiled knowingly. We went to our rooms to change and met again to go to the dining parlour (since the second day the Osbertons stayed at Leyland, we decided that the dining room on the first floor was too formal for our small party and we then had our meals in the small parlour downstairs, where Lord c and I usually had breakfast.) the gentlemen weren't yet there and I got more and more nervous to see the man again, who nearly confessed his love to me. Harriet had no advice for me though; the hint to trust on 'what my feelings told me was right' was not really constructive. Then they came, Clive smiling affectionately at Harriet and courtly kissing her hand. Lord C doing the same, but holding my hand a bit longer and tighter than usual; as if to corroborate his words from/of (?) this afternoon.
Mr O took my hand and Lord C took Harriet's and the gentlemen lead us to our seats at the table. It was a very quiet dinner, as only the men spoke and the conversation mostly circulated around crop prices, land holders etc etc. Harriet flashed glances at me once in a while, but how could I have interjected anything into our husbands dialogue!? - After dinner I took refuge at the harp, my friend had no other choice as to continue her needlework and the men were either listening or talking to each other...
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Mr O took my hand and Lord C took Harriet's and the gentlemen lead us to our seats at the table. It was a very quiet dinner, as only the men spoke and the conversation mostly circulated around crop prices, land holders etc etc. Harriet flashed glances at me once in a while, but how could I have interjected anything into our husbands dialogue!? - After dinner I took refuge at the harp, my friend had no other choice as to continue her needlework and the men were either listening or talking to each other...
July 6th, 1763
All of a sudden, Lord C decided to make my life with him more uneasy than before. I was in the garden with Harriet, for once not having to think or talk of this messed up alliance. Harriet was asked to see Mr O in the library and went away, while I kept tending to the flowers we actually wanted to gather for the dinner table. She wasn't gone for a moment when he came around a corner clearing his throat. Though it was very low I startled. He immediately apologised, but still came forward to stand close to me. Too close for my taste anyway...
"My lady, don't think me inhospitably, when I tell you that I am a little overstrained with your friends visit. Of course I won't send them away. I even like them very much and look forward to see them again any time." < I tried to interject something, which instantaneous slipped my mind, when came even closer and said > "But please, do not misunderstand me! I am very fond of them. < pause > "As I am of you and your being here... with me. Watching the Osbertons and seeing my friend Littledale enter such a happy union, is making me furious with me not to be able to give you the same; as I respect and esteem you so very much. < pause > "I am at a loss what I did wrong and what I should do to make your life with me more agreeable to you. I am here to ask you for your help, because I am desperate for you."
His pleading eyes nearly tore my heart apart, but at the same moment, that I wanted to give him everything he needed to be happier, I couldn't bring myself to speak a syllable. He knelt down and kissed my hand, lingered very long in that position, not giving it free. - I don't know if it was sort of salvation for me, but before I even could find anything to respond, someone called for Lord C to come somewhere. While my face was deep red and hot, my hands were cold as ice and he squeezed it in his hand before he stood and walked away - not looking at me.
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"My lady, don't think me inhospitably, when I tell you that I am a little overstrained with your friends visit. Of course I won't send them away. I even like them very much and look forward to see them again any time." < I tried to interject something, which instantaneous slipped my mind, when came even closer and said > "But please, do not misunderstand me! I am very fond of them. < pause > "As I am of you and your being here... with me. Watching the Osbertons and seeing my friend Littledale enter such a happy union, is making me furious with me not to be able to give you the same; as I respect and esteem you so very much. < pause > "I am at a loss what I did wrong and what I should do to make your life with me more agreeable to you. I am here to ask you for your help, because I am desperate for you."
His pleading eyes nearly tore my heart apart, but at the same moment, that I wanted to give him everything he needed to be happier, I couldn't bring myself to speak a syllable. He knelt down and kissed my hand, lingered very long in that position, not giving it free. - I don't know if it was sort of salvation for me, but before I even could find anything to respond, someone called for Lord C to come somewhere. While my face was deep red and hot, my hands were cold as ice and he squeezed it in his hand before he stood and walked away - not looking at me.
July 5th, 1763
Harriet is the most wonderful person I can imagine. She was in love with Miss Bentham from the first minute. Though I told her in my letters about her and she pledged she already knew her like a sister, the got along like they've known each other for years. I know Harriet to be someone finding friends very easily, but surely it is also Miss Bentham who cannot but be liked by everyone who meets her.
Miss Bentham came to call upon us and was determined to see another lady today as well, but we imprisoned her with us, making the sudden rain a very profitable excuse to keep her with us.
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Miss Bentham came to call upon us and was determined to see another lady today as well, but we imprisoned her with us, making the sudden rain a very profitable excuse to keep her with us.
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