2010 ~ The Leyland Manor Diary

Merry Xmas

Merry Xmas

Merry Xmas von Emmeline Cartwright

September 3rd, 1763

It is only a matter of one or two days and my Lord's aunt and cousin are arriving at Leyland. I'm most exceedingly terrified! Though he is assuring me of his aunt being 'most amiable' and his cousin 'a very good sort of fellow', it is still not in the least comforting. I haven't been a good wife, nor even a good mistress of this manner. I shall call on Ms B immediately! Heaven knows, I cannot sit still here, while Lord C is away on business and there's nothing for me to do in the house. Mrs Lewis already took care of everything, because, as she put it, 'she knows the ways of Ms Susan very well and how his Lordship's aunt wants her room to be prepared...' - Now there! If that doesn't say everything!?

September 3rd, 1763

I had a note from my aunt today and could announce her soon arrival to my wife. She is again very afraid to meet members of my family. But I'm sure she will like them. And they will adore her.

I tried to describe aunt Susan to her, but this is difficult to endeavour. And I could only tell her about Frank at the time before I went to Quebec. He is seven years my junior and I have been away for a long time. But if he is still the charming boy I remember, they will become friends.

September 2nd, 1763

How I regret it to be night again. I so value the time I share with my wife and to separate myself by going to my own chamber is very hard indeed. Having her near me that night at the Inn was the best night I ever had. I could feel her warmth and hear her soft sighs when she finally fell asleep.
Never will I forget this kiss and the first time my wife kissed me back. My hopes to make her falling in love with me have new fuel now and I am convinced the time we spent together will help us both.

Letter to Harriet

Leyland Manor, September 2^nd, 1763

My dearest sister,
it is five days already since we're home. Your Emy was very busy visiting all the neighbours and we had guests on the day we arrived. Ms B greets you very warmly and hopes you are well. We had a charming night with cards and I returned many a visit to my ladies this week. Furthermore we are expecting a family visit. Lord C's aunt and his cousin – not the son of the aforesaid aunt – are coming to Leyland and will stay for a while. He only told me on our journey hereto and sent me into quite some anguish about who they are, how they are like, if they will like me and so on. - But the most important news I have yet deprived you of. When we stayed at the Inn the night we left Wortham, we had to share one bedroom. You can believe your friend couldn't sleep at all. I was quite scared about this situation and wished it to be over. But it all came different in the end. When Lord C entered I had already changed into my night gown and went to bed. Jenna was in the closet next door. He went ínto his and his valet helped him change for the night. It took him quite some time and I think I fell asleep. But it startled me of course when I noticed someone being in the same bed as I. There was no fire and no other light, the room so dark I couldn't see my hand in front of me, but feel my husband next to me. - 'Emmeline, are you still awake?' - 'Yes, my lord. I... am...' - 'Can you turn around, please?' - I hesitated and felt the colour rising in my cheeks, but did as he asked. And he took my hand in his, Harriet, kissed it, drew me closer and kissed my forehead and my lips. Oh dearest Harriet! I never felt anything like this before! I was not afraid any more... He was so very warm and kept holding me close also after wishing me good night. I am so happy about, dearest! I believe it will change things considerably and I'm looking forward to it. I have a very good husband.
Yours affectionately,
Emy.

September 1st, 1763

I am really happy to be back home again and am enjoying the peace around the house. We're walking the garden every day now, my husband tightly holding my arm and also holding my hand in his. I never say very much and if I do, it is just answering his polite questions. Most of the time though we are speculating about Frederick. But no word from the London lawyer yet. But it must be even harder for Harriet, who's surrounded by her family and has to face her brother every day.

August 29th, 1763

Back home. I can't believe how much I missed Leyland. Tonight we have Ms B and some other neighbours at our house. Dinner and cards...

August 28th, 1763

This morning we left Wortham and I hope we do not have to return so soon. I will miss Harriet, but writing to her will be almost as comforting as having her with me. We had lunch at a small Inn I didn't know and tonight we stay at the usual place. There are many people visiting the lakes this summer and the Inn is very crowded. We had supper at a tiny table near the window and could overlook the main street with all the huzzle-buzzle of the travellers. Lord C is talking to our coachman and I have retired to our room. Tonight we have to share a bedroom, as the Inn has no rooms to spare for idle travellers like us... I'm anxious and very sure not to find a single minute's sleep.

Letter to Ms Susan Cartwright, Bath

Wortham Hall, August 27th

My dearest Aunt!

Firstly I apologize for detaining you the pleasure of meeting my wife. I vastly regret not to have written for so long. I will, of course, explain everything to you and hope for your forgiveness.

Please, do us the pleasure of coming to Leyland, and furthermore, to bring Frank as well. We are currently staying at my wife's parents house, but are leaving for Leyland tomorrow. It is a wonderful coincidence as I need your advise in a very delicate matter.

I am looking forward to see you again,

and am ever your servant

Fitzwilliam Cartwright

Letter to Fitzwilliam Cartwright

Bath, August 19th, 1763

My dearest Nephew,
it is very long since you wrote to your old aunt and I am quite impatient to see you again. Nevertheless I am not angry with you, nor will I scold you as I should. Therefore I will come to Leyland and visit you. But more important for your dearest aunt is meeting your wife, whom you have shamelessly held back. You should have come to town to introduce her or invited your relations to your wedding. But you have not. I demand explanations young man, as I am your most affectionate aunt,

Susan Cartwright

PS: It happens to be in my power to bring with me your cousin Frank. He is as impatient as myself.

August 27th, 1763

My Lord had heard my prayers! We are going home.
Harriet was happy for me and promised to write almost every day. Clive and my dear friend want to move in a little house on her fathers estate to enjoy some privacy. Though her mother is more than happy about Harriet's 'situation', she is worried about Hester and doesn't want to tell her about her sisters pregnancy...
Lord C got a letter. And tomorrow morning we are leaving for Leyland.

August 26th, 1763

The last two days only supported the growing boredom at my parents house. The days are repeating themselves and neither Lord C nor the Fairweathers can get any more details out of Max. He won't speak to any of them and Harriet is very worried. The accusations of her parents are puzzling us all. Whatever Fred and Max were up to, it is very strange Harriet, Lord C or I could have been involved... They apologized already but we all are still curious about any possible connection. My husband told my father this morning - we were at the breakfast table - that he asked his lawyer in town to investigate into the matter and to see if this infamous lady, at who's house they had found Max, knows more and would talk under the right circumstances.
When we ladies were alone later and I had no letters to answer my mother took the opportunity again to question me about the usual topic...
I want to be home.

August 24th, 1763

A moment ago my husband left my chamber. He just staid for couple of minutes. Looking out of sorts and horribly nervous, he gave me a small deep-blue box crowned by a golden bow. 'It is for your birthday my lady. I was unprepared to stay for so long at Wortham and had no chance of bringing your gift with me. But it will be at home by now.' he whispered, not moving from his spot. I realised he wanted me to open it. Oh! He is so generous. I do not deserve this! Reluctantly I opened the tiny parcel and the most wondrous little thing was hidden inside: a golden bracelet made of delicate flowers, each with a diamond in it's centre. Adjoined was a small pendant and my name engraved into it: 'Emy'. He took the box out of my hands, placed it on my dressing table & went on to help me with the jewelry. 'The pendant is a hook, Emmeline, to help you with your knotting. I thought you might need one... <pause & clearing his throat> … as Mrs Lewis stumbles over your crochet hooks at the oddest places.' and he turned such a shade of pink I had never before seen on a man's countenance. I very much tried not to laugh at his clumsy attempt and thanked him: 'My lord, you are too generous! I am often so thoughtless to leave my work all about the house and will beg Mrs Lewis to forgive me...' - 'Oh no! You will not do such a thing, I beg you! Mrs Lewis... that is... she...' And then I couldn't restrain myself and laughed (but very briefly!) and thanked him again, in a thoroughly tactful voice! And he understood, smirked and after a light bow, left my room.

August 23rd, 1763

Lord C has gone to Carlisle and took not only Mr O with him but also Jeremiah! What is this all about!? I do not think it connected with H's brother or Frederick – that cannot be... in Carlisle... He didn't say a word until after he had taken the other two gentleman to the stables and then I was noticed by servant! H is not to visit today. Her mother has taken her away as well. Now I am alone with my parents. Or rather my mother, because father had business to do and was to meet Mr F later this morning. I dreaded such an occasion ever since we came back to Wortham. My mother had nothing better to do, of course, than to question me like an ordinary thief caught by the high sherif. I suppose she meant well and thought herself asking me with all due sensibility about my marital circumstances. She had to ask, no doubt. I never answered her letter or those of my sisters. They were all just too curious. I were to if I had sold off my daughter to someone she didn't want to marry and see how she did in her new life. 'All is well.' I told her. 'He is the kindest of husbands and very unlike his late brother; thankfully.' And I didn't lie. Just spared a tiny part of the story...

Letter to Ms Becky Porter

Wortham Hall, August 22nd 1763

Dearest Becky,
I thank you for your letter and your wishes. Moreover I send my regards to dear uncle P. Is your father better? How do you like Bath? Does it do him good? I hope you're in the best of spirits though and enjoy the town and parties. Are there many this time of year? I wish I had you at my side, but as it is, you must tend to your parent. All Wortham was in an uproar, but the families endeavoured to reconcile and we're all trying to clear up the whole matter. It is a great mystery though.
My dear cousin, I am looking forward in seeing you in town this season. We will come and stay at our new house at Holbourn. My Lord bought it only this summer and has it refurnished until we move in for the winter. I am quite excited. You always knew I didn't like London and all these people. But as it turns out since I am a married woman, I long to see my friends more than ever before. My husband is very kind to me and I want to answer your entreaties now that I'm more at ease with his affection for me. I cannot tell you though how I really feel towards him. Last night, as we sat in our parlour, where we escaped to have some peace from my family, I fell asleep. But only slightly. It was more of a slumber and some murmuring woke me up. Lord C was sitting next to me, holding a ribbon of mine and speaking to himself I supposed. He was deep in contemplation and had his head resting on his hand. From time to time he rubbed his eyes and temples and was always saying: 'Emmeline, my Emmeline. What can I do?' - I wondered what he was about and was just about opening my mouth to speak, when he kissed that ribbon. All of a sudden it struck me! This man is truly in love with me. Becky! How shall I go on from now? Just trying to be a good wife will never be enough! He deserves so much more! I had my eyes closed of course, but could feel his gaze nonetheless. A rap on the door literally came to my assistance and was an excuse to 'wake up'. The servant interrupting us just brought tea... Lord C had stood up and began pacing the room. Then, it was an awkward quarter of an hour when he wished me good night and went to his chamber. But I could hear him being awake for many hours, as was I. Oh Becky... How frustrating! How am I to fall in love with him!? What does it feel like anyway?
Harriet has come over to flee her family and I have to talk to her desperately as I did with you. I am counting the days until your reply will hopefully has some advise to offer for your poor Emy.
I am,
yrs affectionately,
E.C.

August 21st, 1763

My wife's birthday.

It is the first important date in our marriage and we are neither at home nor do I have a present for her. It would have been the ultimate chance to give her some token. But we are imprisoned here and with a cause I wish to forget. I will send Elliott to Carlisle tomorrow to ... No that will not do! I will go myself and get her some diamond pins for her cap! But she doesn't wear a cap... But nonetheless, she might have use for it to perch it into her hair... her wonderful hair... And a matching necklace or a cross or some ear-rings. I know she can wear snaps! And maybe a book. Something to cheer her up, to entertain her! I will go to Carlisle tomorrow and I shall ask Jeremiah to accompany me. Or rather Clive?

It is so late now. I should sleep, I suppose. If I could just find it! She's next door, right next door and so far away it seems.

August 21st, 1763

After a long and tedious day that included my having a birthday dinner, my husband and I repaired to our apartment in the old wing of my parents house. Despite it being the most neglected part of Wortham I cherish the peace we are left in there; far away from the family. Our adjoining bedchambers were the only ones that were tended to by a servant from time to time. My parents seized to have guests many years ago and no one cared about the dark rooms with their mixture of Jacobean and Queen Anne furniture. There we sat in silence and I after one long hour in which I tried to read & Lord C contemplating while staring onto the floor, I must have fallen asleep in my chair. But I wasn't sound asleep as my husband might have thought I was...

(c) Copyright. This drawing is not yet finished, but it fits so perfectly that I had to post it.

August 20th, 1763

When I watched my husband today I had to think of the first time I met him.
When Frederick sought out my father to ask for my hand in marriage, he had in fact pursued this plan for a long while. When my brother got acquainted with him on a friends house party that last summer, Frederick informed him of being in search of a wife. My brother, who loves me dearly, thought him an adequate fellow to allow him curting me during the season. I stayed in town at my sister's house then and was chaperoned by Patsy and Violet in turns until my parents joined us there. It was my second season and my family was determined to dispose of me in a suitable and promising marriage. Shortly after their arrival, my brother and his family, too, joined us in town and brought with them, their new friend Frederick Cartwright. I remember the introduction well. My family was impressed by his person and all his character according to my brother's account of Lord Cartwright's conduct. I tried to make the best of it and even endeavoured to like him (in the beginning). But as we went about all the season's pleasures together, he aquired a quite different attitude towards my person. When we were less watched, after about two weeks, he turned saucy and I didn't like his conduct. He attempted to conceal his flirting about, but I soon discovered that his character was vain and he was very fond of the admiration of the female sex. I think he did it on purpose and wanted me to know. But in front of my family he was the perfect lover and my father soon accepted his proposal. Mother could not in the least understand my wish to break off the acquaintance and it was but too late when they told me about the upcoming engagement.
It was at a ball, when I was introduced by Lord Frederick to his younger brother, an army officer just returned from Quebec, that the engagement was made public and without my [approval]. After we went home I wanted to speak to my father, but he was stern in his decision and told me it was the best offer I could get and he didn't want and could afford another season. It was a hot argument and my mother, always interrupting, tried to persuade me to be happy about the positive outcome of the season. I had no idea why I should be married off so quickly and without any chance to decide on my own. I had this possibility the season before and though I rejected an offer by a gentleman of our immediate neighbourhood (to the utmost embarrassment of my parents), it hit me like a shock that they wanted to get rid of me. All seemed quite strange.

August 19th, 1763

I cannot believe what my eyes show me! My brother and my husband are becoming friends. Or have become already. Something like that might occur between their sex when on a crusade against another male and perhaps for the virtue of some lady in distress, I believe. The funny thing is, they often stay friends thereafter. It is not like that with ladies. Not very often at least. And I for my part, have witnessed something different:

When I had to endure my first season in town, I had a friend coming from Bath who told me of her best friend and how they love each other so dearly, sharing any secret and would never have come anything between them. Well, until there came that gentleman from Essex; a very good looking fellow with an even more handsome purse and estate. - I never enjoyed a play in theatre better than this spectacle between sister-like ladies of the ton and their husband-hunting-war against each other. Unfortunately he went off to marry someone else entirely and my friend and her temporary enemy swore never to look at a man again - for friendship's sake. It lasted until the next season and they are still unmarried.

Musing about this, a theory is forming in my mind, that women are very strange characters when it comes to men. Jeremiah and Lord C kept me wondering about all this today.

We went for a drive around the estate. It was a nice outing and strangely not in the least awkward for any of us. It felt like we were brothers and sisters enjoying a ride through the park. Being unguarded the first time we set foot on my father's estate, we could discuss the problems at hand more freely. So I got to know that Mr Fairweather sr. already begged Clive's sincere pardon for having accused him of any knowledge or accompli[ce]. And that having brought Max back to his family wasn't the end of my husband's and my brother's involvement in this affair. I wasn't however satisfied in my curiosity about this Sarah, who vouched having been married to Frederick. Lord C only stated that he doubts it and thinks Max is hiding more information than he should...

August 18th, 1763

Within all this hullabaloo, my father jumped from his chair this morning and read aloud the announcement of the birth of His Majesty's second son, Prince Frederick Augustus. He was born in London at St. James's and is to be christened by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Secker, in September. I didn't hear anymore, as he mumbled forth... - I wonder if this Sarah was married to Frederick and what will now happen to her daughter. And even if they weren't married, he achieved what Lord C and I are millennia away from: a child. I don't know what is bothering me more. I want to go home!

August 17th, 1763

After Mrs F blurted out the 'whole truth' or rather the unwelcome details of her son's dealings with my brother and his lover, I had a discussion with Clive, Jeremiah, Mr P and Mr F. We are to engage our lawyers in town to pursue the affair and to get proof of a marriage. Both fathers are to go to London and accompanied by Jeremiah, they want to have a secret look on the infamous Sarah.
It is important to act without attracting attention. Fred's lover has not yet made any claims for her daughter and according to Max she is not aware of her lover's fortune and position in society. I daresay, if Fred was married to her, he intended to keep her in the dark about his person and marry Emmeline nonetheless. Mr P is beside himself and had to be calmed by his son, who accuses himself for not having intervened in the whole engagement procedure. My father-in-law now told me, that Emmeline had objected to this engagement from the start, of which I'm glad to know.

She repeatedly told me, she was unsure of his conduct and didn't want to marry him.

If he only had listened to her wishes and acquiesced to bring her back home. Nothing embarrassing like being the fiancée of a demised gentleman would have happened to her. And she might have been happier at Wortham without this marriage being forced upon her. 'Cause nothing else it is (to her). She must think herself entrapped since she escaped my brother. And I'm guilty...

August 16th, 1763

As if this day had not already been hard enough to endure, this odious woman had to lament on her family's bad fortune loudly in front of my wife. I had hoped to have a private interview with Emmeline tonight and tell her about the possibility of Fredericks marriage to a whore. Nothing else can she be. I know.... knew my brother well enough!
And my dear angel knows of her former fiancé's amours. What will now become of her opinion of him, my family and finally me!? I had the vain hope, she was warming up towards me and regarded me as her companion in life; but now all this is doomed and lost and I'm vexed to no bounds... If this had happened in my house, I had thrown Mrs F out of it with my own hands!

August 16th, 1763

If one thinks it couldn't be any more complicated it pours down on one. After a strange night of sleeping in my old chamber and having breakfast with my family and Lord C at the same table, I tried in vain to hide behind an instrument and to play myself deaf to all the discussions about scandal and what on earth my husband had to do with it.

The Fairweathers were here as well and without any warning it burst out what no London gossip could make up in decades! - All the eyes turned on me and I knew within that very moment, that first: Harriet knew more than she had told me before and second, that my husband's eyes burned with anguish.

August 15th, 1763

It was quite late when we arrived at Wortham, Jeremiah had his own horse brought to Cresford and rode in front of us. We were not only awaited by the Fairweathers but also, unfortunately, by the other Porters. I dreaded the moment when we would meet my parents, and I had no notion that they would wait for us at the Fairweather's house.
Due to the unusual cause of this meeting and the curiosity of it's origins and turn-outs, they left me in peace, were civil and all the dark clouds seemed to have been above Maxwell. It was noisy in Mr F's library and we ladies were discussing the possible connexions - to no avail.

August 14th, 1763

Morning - when I woke up, the weather promised our almost immediate departure from Brackenthwaite. I longed to get on and towards Cresford. Harriet must be craving for her Clive. I am curious how she will proceed with her brother. Jeremiah instead understood it to remind me of the meeting with the rest of my family. I haven't thought of that at all. All I had thought of was the mystery about Harriet's family. Now I am anxious. I do not wish to face them. Not entirely because I haven't answered their letters, but being a guest in their house won't make it easier to run from their curiosity and constant inquiries after my marriage life. Oh, my Lord! Mrs P is with child again and it will make her an insufferable companion! - I have to persuade Lord C to stay somewhere else. But where!? Or to leave posthaste?

The carriage is ready, we're leaving.

Night - It was somewhat relieving to finally reunited at Cresford. The journey thither was so quite and tense, that I longed for fresh air and a walk. Harriet literally jumped into Mr O's arms and was clearly happy to have her husband back without any duel with her brother. I wasn't sure about an upcoming duel between her and Maxwell, but the outcome wouldn't be that surprising. My dear friend tortured her brother with her eyes. I wouldn't pity him anyway.

I had a room next to Lord C, who very eagerly helped me out of the carriage. After I had changed we all met again for dinner, but I wasn't in the mood for much talking. There weren't many details about what happened between the families that I didn't knew yet. The only thing I was longing for was exercise. - Jeremiah looked after Maxwell, and Lord C and I took the opportunity for a walk with the Osbertons. They were a bit behind us; I must have been quite fast. Even Lord C, though quiet, had not expected this briskness.

August 14th, 1763

Alas, they have come. And indeed it was the weather which delayed their journey and had them imprisoned at Brackenthwaite for three days.

Mr F was ashamed to face his sister who punished him with pointed remarks and her indifference. She literally flew into her husbands arms when the ladies alighted form their coach and my heart skipped a beat, when Emmeline got out, smiled at me and gave me her hand. I sincerely hope I greeted her the way I intended it to be, but she didn't talk much at dinner today.

August 13th, 1763

On arriving at Cresford Inn, I couldn't get any information of the whereabouts of J, Mrs O and Emmeline. The inn keeper told me of some stormy nights and that they were probably delayed on their way hither. I'm worried. It is past ten and they wouldn't be on any road at this time of night. I will have to be content to wait until the morning and if they're not here by luncheon, I'm going to check any inn on the road to Penrith.

August 12th, 1763

Fortunately I had the good sense of taking my journal with me on this mission. And unfortunately this affair must be solved discretely, otherwise I would have asked Littledale for his help. But in this case it is Mr O who decides about the procedure.

I am glad we found Mr. Fairweather and I am also looking forward to be home again (in the near future). Going to Wortham is not actually an event I am looking forward to; but at least we have Jeremiah on our side. It is Emmeline I am worried about, as she is not even inclined to write to her family and the letters I receive on her account are not very assuring of the Porter's benevolence towards us; or me, in this case. - I wouldn't dream of isolating her from her family and J supports her attitude of being somewhat angry with them. Alas, he is now convinced of my worth being her husband, which hadn't been so at the beginning. I can understand his prejudices, as my brother was not a very gentlemanly fellow. I won't give up hope, that my wife will come to that conclusion herself one day...

We will reach Cresford tomorrow night and Mr O and I will have Jeremiah to support us with Mr F, who becomes more and more nervous by getting closer to Wortham. Mr O is a bit anxious of Maxwell trying to flee, but I think as a former soldier I will just knock him unconscious until we're there. I want this to be over and I want to see my wife again. It is strange to be away from her, though we're not exactly together at home. She took over her part as mistress of our house and that.............................. well, I'm beginning to over-estimate what I hope will come out in the end...

August 10th, 1763

We arrived at Brackenthwaite and wanted to take some luncheon and have the horses rest for while, when we were surprised by a heavy thunderstorm. It was uncommonly hot since last week and it was conceivable that it was to rain some time; but it poured down horribly and it was very stormy indeed. It didn't stop for hours and we had no other possibility than to while away the time inside the inn. We then arranged to stay for the night, as did many other travellers. Though our attempted destination was Cresford to meet the other gentlemen, we acquiesced ourselves into our lot. - It is the same inn, Lord C and I stopped at after our wedding and now we would have stayed there on our way back to Wortham. I wonder what it would have been like. Confined to this establishment we couldn't even send word there and inform them when they arrive. But we hope to continue our journey on the morrow and we'll try to catch them there at about midday.
Later today we had tea and some biscuits. - Why is it, one is always eating when bored or condemned to do nothing? - We had nothing with us to seriously occupy ourselves; not a book or cards or anything else. There wasn't any afternoon I can remember, when I was last so bored. After a while we had no topic of conversation which lead us, or better to say Jeremiah, around what I was really wanting to talk about and subsequently we felt into silence; which was again very awkward. But alas my Harriet had the good idea of engaging me into plans to go to Bath this summer and Jeremiah thought it a wonderful idea. I discretely tried to talk him out of his fast idea of joining us there with his family. Please! No summer holiday with Mrs P!!!

August 9th, 1763

Jeremiah arrived today on horseback. He vouched he stopped at an Inn last night and is quite well, but he is doubtless exhausted. At first it was awkward to have him at our home, but after he had some luncheon and refreshed himself for a while upstairs, he joined me in the music room and chatted eagerly about our family back home, his little son and annoying wife. He seriously confessed his dislike on her temper when with child. Outrageous! But he's my brother, my dear Jeremiah... And on the other hand I wondered why he is annoyed with her moods only when pregnant; I think her insufferable all the time.

Mama and Papa are well; that I know, I get regular accounts on that (together with endless inquiries on my 'state'). J and Mrs P visited Patsy, but stayed not for long, as it was unbearably noisy and chaotic. He hadn't seen Violet since I married and can only suppose her well and very occupied with partying at friend's houses here and there and staying at all possible fashionable places all over the country.

He finally went on to the topic most interesting to me: what they were achieving in town and Harmondsworth. When they finally encountered Harriet's brother, they were surprised to find him in utterly unexpected circumstances. J didn' t give me details on how exactly unexpected they were but asked me to be patient as my husband wanted to - how did he put it? - protect me. Now I am surprised. What have I to do with it to need protection!? He is Harriet's brother and I would think her and her family the first to be affected by his actions and conduct... Jeremiah is not very gifted in distracting my curiosity. His tale had quite the opposite effect. But I'll be tame and wait for Lord C to explain it once and for all and after that, I want:

1) return home as soon as possible
2) don't waste any thought on Frederick and Max any more and
3) making efforts in attaining my husband's friendship

August 6th, 1763

We are preparing to go to Wortham. I had a letter from my brother informing me, that he will come to Leyland and accompany us there. Lord C and Clive will meet us at Cresford and from there we will go together. It is most mysterious as neither Jeremiah nor Harriet told me what all the stealthiness is about. I know when someone is keeping something from me. They act strange and it is so obvious they are hiding important information. But I am not yet worried. They are all well and they come together. So no duel between Max and Lord C or Clive. We all will be reunited and all will be well.

The only thing I am not looking forward is to see my family again. They surely will besiege me with thousand inappropriate questions!

Letter to Harriet

The Five Bells, Harmondsworth Village

July 30th

My darling Harriet,

three days we have been here and after some misinterpreted directions, we found your brother and are now negotiating with him his return to your family and him issuing a statement what happened, after which we will leave him with your father to unravel their problems.

I miss you and it will take us some days to come to Cumberland. I will send you notice on time to meet us, so we can go to Wortham together.

I don't know how much I should tell you so far; everything is quite a mess and scandalous. I beg you, as does Lord Cartwright, not to consign anything to her Ladyship until we know the whole story and can prevent anything becoming public knowledge.

When we came to the village, we first went to the wrong house, presuming your brother to stay with a respectable family of somehow his own state. But no one at the Manor Farm had any idea of who Max was and we returned to the Inn.
Lord Cartwright and Mr. Porter were discussing further steps with Mr. Tredwell, when I went to the shop across the road to buy some writing supplies (I forgot mine in town, being muddleheaded as usual). There I heard a maid asking for something her master had ordered and how she had called him Mr. Maxwell. I pretended to know him and told her what a surprise it was to find him here as I was on my way to town. She was quite an innocent creature and asked me, if my friend was really Mr. Fred Maxwell. - Darling, I am dumb-funded at his impertinence to change his name so abominably.
I had a boy in front of the shop running to call for my friends to meet me at the address the girl had given me. I didn't want to lose time and immediately went with her.
We came to a halt in front of a small, but respectable looking house and the maid let me in to the tiny hall. Not two minutes later I was to enter a salon and stood in front of your brother, holding an infant.
Do not be alarmed, my dear! Though he was speechless and stared at me changing colours instantaneously, nothing worthwhile happened, as the other gentlemen knocked and were let in forthwith. - After some minutes of calming down the strange situation and the woman presumably mistress of that house ordering tea (from the same simple-hearted maid), we learned the baby-girl wasn't your brother's child. But it is worse actually, my love, as it is probably Frederick's and Tredwell post-haste went to find out if they were really married, like the mother vouched (and your brother!)...

Well, my darling, you see now, how important it is not to say a word yet to Lady C. - I will write to you very soon and look forward to embrace you again.

Your loving husband,
CO

August 1st, 1763

When Nancy got up this morning to look over the linen in the storeroom, she must not have trust her eyes, as there was clearly some amount of her work missing.
I had it brought up to my parlour to mend my lords shirts myself. Though I am not at all talented in mending anything beyond past-time stitching, I'll try this part of housewifely duties now. - I also advised Mrs Lewis to let me look after her masters neck clothes and earned a not very skilfully hidden but still approving smile from her. (I don't know yet, if I should let her get away with it...)

July 31st, 1763

Today at service I caught myself praying for the gentlemen to succeed and coming back soon. Though I heartily enjoy spending time with Harriet in my own house and being at leisure to do what we like, their absence is nonetheless governing the atmosphere.
We took the girls out today in our small coaches and the misses enjoyed themselves tremendously. They were cheering at any turn of the road and urged Higgins to go even faster. Harriet, though sometimes a bit pale, and I, had at least the same amount of girlish fun on this adventure.
I had Mrs Lewis prepare some picnic and Tom and Neville were there in time to set it up for us on a small clearing near the stream.

No word from town or Harmondsworth yet...

Letter to Emmeline

32 Bedford Row, London

My lady,

let me at first assure you, we are all well and are conducting this business as fast as possible. Your brother joins us at our house the day after we arrived and had since supported us in finding Mr F. He wishes me to tell you, that neither your parents nor Mrs O's family was or is involved in any of this. - He will write to you himself.

On the same day we arrived, Mr Tredwell called and we planned our next steps in pursuing Mr F. Our first attempt at Boodle's was fruitless and the only information we acquired was his absence from town. We had Elliott looking everywhere about Mr F's possible whereabouts, as his house is not occupied by any member of his family at the moment and the number of servants limited to the living-ins.
When we met Tredwell yesterday again, we were luckier. Your friend's brother is supposed to be a guest at some place near Harmondsworth, where we will depart to as soon as we have finished all business here in town, Tredwell accompanying us too.

Your brother informed us, that the F's have not heard from their son for at least two months and he hadn't visited since last winter (also not at Mrs O's wedding?)

I sincerely hope, my dear lady, you're well and beg you to convey my warmest regards to Mrs O.

FC

July 29th, 1763

When I went down for breakfast, Mr Brittles just brought the mail.
Until that moment, I hadn't realized how I waited for word from my husband. It was a heavy envelope & when I opened it, I knew why: Lord C had sent his letter together with that of Clive to Harriet in one package. He then explained to me, they wanted to be sure we get them at the same time. Leaving tea and rolls aside, we read our letters at once.

July 28th, 1763

We called today at Mrs H and had a most commotional morning, as she was more occupied with her new housemaid mending the pillows and sheets and related us her bad luck in not only losing a housemaid but also her housekeeper, who both went to Carlisle. Now she had to train the maid and to look for a new trustworthy housekeeper while she and her daughter had to cope with some of the house work themselves. And to double her trouble she complained about the butcher and advised me to weigh the meat, that comes in, myself, as she doesn't trust the regularity of his work "that old fox!"... - I think Mrs Lewis would get a heart attack after seeing me weighing the meat or doing anything down in the kitchen...

July 27th, 1763 - night

I won't possibly ever forget this day. My dearest Harriet told me this morning, that she is quite sure to be with child. Somehow I expected it to occur in the near future. And somehow I feared it would be so soon.

When Harriet was to become a mother...

Letter to Emmeline

32 Bedford Row, London
July 22nd

My lady,

be assured, we safely arrived in town this morning and already found a note by Mr. Tredwell, who would come to see us today. Mr. Osberton will send his own note to Mrs O and just asked me to pass on his regards to you.

As soon as we know more and how we will proceed, I will write to you again. Please trust me to deal with this matter and don't answer any inquiries whatsoever from your family yet.

I remain
your servant,

FC

July 27th, 1763

Finally. A note from Lord C and Clive of their arrival at our London town house.
And I was mroe than assuaged to know, they safely reached town.

When I looked up, I could see Harriet closely examine her note from her husband with slightly more content (but no more information).
As women, we had to sit it out and wait and as far as I made out of Harriet's remarks over breakfast, she hoped the 'gentlemanly manner' in which her Clive had promised (as had Lord C) to deal with her brother, didn't include anything violent.
I had not until that moment thought of this possibility and Lord C's potential involvement into such gentlemanly manners and it struck me, that Frederick might have lost his life in a duel. I noticed a funny prickle inside my stomach and wondered if I feared for my husband's life...

(Harriet did fear for Clive, I don't doubt it. But I don't think it appropriate now to talk this over with her. It wouldn't do any good...)

July 25th, 1763

After Lord C had shown me his library, I wanted to read some of those books and now, that Harriet and I are alone and can't possibly visit all people around here every day, we decided to stay in the library. It is unbearably hot today but in this room. Since it is so warm this summer, I noticed how perfectly well Mrs Lewis had trained the staff to move around the house and shutting and opening the Venetian blinds according to the sun. I will keep that in mind, when we stay at other places. I never saw any of our servants running about at Wortham, nor ever hearing mama advice such things. Maybe she needn't bother; I should ask her some day...
We were comfortably reading and now and then browsing the shelves for treats of adventures or novels, when I stumbled upon an edition of Mandeville's "Fable of the Bees". Mama had me read it a dozen times and learn it from heart, when I was a child; how I detest that thing!
...containing several discourses, to demonstrate, that human frailties, during the degeneracy of mankind, may be turn'd to the advantage of civil society, and made to supply the place of moral virtues...
Thinking about it, it seems my mother saw me as the black sheep long before my rebellion against this marriage, though I always thought to be a good child... - I sincerely hope, this book was bought by Lord C's parents and not by himself; or I seriously have to watch him carefully...

July 24th, 1763

I dreamt of my husband last night.
It was dawn, when I woke with a start. First I couldn't make out what had startled me so. But slowly I remembered the dream and had to sit up straight to digest it.

After breakfast, H and I went into the shrubbery to relish the cherries. I have some very sweet at the moment, as Isaac brought them in after dinner. I would have Mrs Redbourn bake a cherry pie (I still should ask her), but as Lord C isn't here to enjoy it; well, they might return in time for the rest of the fruits to be due.
I am more calmed down now, but in the shrubbery with H analysing my changed disposition towards my husband, I was partly surprised by her accurate and deep observations and, though distracted by the sweet gooseberries, a bit annoyed at myself. It is true, I changed consiberably during Hs absence, which is an unsignificant time frame anyway. But she is my friend and she was right. maybe H didn't expect me to overcome my stubbornness and follow her advice so fast and so soon.

I am glad you decided to see him what he is: your husband, your partner in life, Emmeline. Trust him to be a very good one too. He is not like his brother. Your own dear Jeremiah said so.

I wish I could talk to my brother; I wish, he could be here, but more so I wish him to be with Clive and Lord C in London helping them.

July 23rd, 1763

Ms B called this morning and Mrs H and her daughter came later to tea. We were invited to the Barrett's tonight for cards and stayed quite long; Mr B's sister insisting on some music as well.
I lost twice at Quadrille and Harriet rather liked to sit with Lady Humberdross, who never played cards or anything...
Sir H was not a good partner for me, as he never remembered which card was trump. After the second lost game I decided to relieve Mrs Kettle from from staying all night behind the harpsichord and, selfishly (i wouldn't lie to myself here), hid behind the instrument. It was soothing not to be bothered by anyone.
When we returned home, H was obviously in a good mood and we had some tea before we went to bed. Whatever Lady H had to tell her, it has brightened her up enormously.

July 18th, 1763

After the gentlemen had left very early, I couldn't find any sleep whatsoever and then found Harriet awake as well. We didn't bother to wait for breakfast and just had tea, startling the housemaids not accustomed to see their mistress or a guest up and about at this hour and literally being in their way preparing the house for us coming down - which would have been much later usually... So we went for a walk in the garden, not hungry at all. We happened to walk quite far out into the park, sometimes talking, sometimes being silent, and only noticed we had lost our orientation, when we were finally hungry. Had it not been for Mr. Loughname to cross our path and leading us back to the main path and towards the house, we would have starved to death or wandered to Scotland...
We didn't talk about the latest incidents but about taking a house together in Bath as soon as our husbands would be back again. Making plans as ordinary as that was consoling indeed. - The summer still mainly ahead of us, Harriet desperately wanted to go to the seaside, but not our seaside in Cumberland, she was thinking about the fashionable one.

To day, we set out to visit Ms B as we hadn't been at the service yesterday. It was refreshing to think and talk of something entirely different. Although I hadn't seen her for a week, since last Sunday that is, I was glad she hadn't been at Leyland for a visit and would have observed my strange state of mind. She expressed her surprise of meeting Harriet so soon again and my friend and I decided mutely to let her in to the most general facts of what had happened. I was sure, and so was Harriet I suspect, that Ms B was the last person we coudln't trust and the most sympathetic friend we could find around here. And so it was indeed and Harriet seemed to be rather evidently relieved to have one confidant as supporting and impartial as Ms B.

July 17th, 1763

I needn't have bothered to ponder the question last night. My husband came into my bedroom this morning to bid farewell and even dared to tell me, that he would miss me.
How cruel!
I hadn't slept well or at all that night and was quite exhausted. I realized him sitting on the edge of my bed, caressing my hair. It is awfully mean of me to be somehow annoyed by his behaviour towards me. I mean, his kind behaviour towards me! How do I deserve it anyway? I am afraid I really begin to like him, as if it is not already enough that I respect him. But his perfect conduct, especially in comparison with his brother, is reminding me all the time, that I am really grateful to be HIS wife and not anybody else's. What a disturbing thing to realize!

July 16th, 1763

I had the breakfast brought up into my parlour, so that Harriet and I had time to discuss what troubled us most and our husbands were in Lord C's study anyway. Brittles informed me that they are planning to leave for London and H and I knew they want to seek out Max.
The men of course wouldn't inform us about any details, and though we are affected, they will defend their and our honour, in a gentlemanly way...

Despite that, I would like to know what exactly my father knew about all of that mess. He must be roughly informed about something. Jeremiah knows! I begin to suspect anything!

night
Again, after we all went to our chambers, my husband sought me out in my room. He announced their departure at dawn the following morning and their wish not to lose one minute in investigating how far Max and Fred went in their perfidiously game. He walked about my bedroom, quite nervous, but probably not as nervous as I was.
I had no idea about what I was more anxious: he maybe kissing me again, or... maybe not... and the silly thought of asking him to say goodbye tomorrow morning and some strange inner voice thinking for whatever reason I would think that...
Thinking this, doing that, he took the decision from me in any case and before he left the room he took my hands in his and closing them tightly in front of his chest: I got kissed on my forehead and was mumbled a 'good night'. At that precise moment, I wished, he had chosen my lips for it, but he hadn't.

What a strange wish anyway...

Now I am a bit relieved to be alone again, though I don't think of sleeping, ever sleeping again...

July 15th, 1763

I haven't slept so well for a long time and I awoke quite contentedly this morning. The post didn't bring any news from Harriet, but I was sure she must get my letter today or tomorrow morning at the latest. Still, I was uneasy when and when Lord C came to the breakfast parlour (from his study, I suppose. He's always up so very early...), he sensed my mood and lingered a bit too long over my hand (for my taste). Still holding it, he smiled encouraging.

But one shouldn't halloo 'til you're out of the wood!

Oh, why is all coming down on me at once!? Still having Harriet's disturbing words in my head, no clue what to do about it actively and finally about starting to like my own husband, he accomplishes to wreck my nerves even more.

My dear,
my Emmeline...
What is the matter with you!? You never confide in me, never let me know what you think.
Please, talk to me, I beg you!

Oh my good Lord, why is it always so hard!? Especially when it only began to become easier!? I'm acting so foolishly and probably hurt him all the time. Even when I want to safe him any trouble and grief. What was I to do? How could I get out of this dilemma?
I really don't like how he always looks at me with his hazelnut eyes. It is very unfair! How shall I keep the thread of my thoughts intact when he distracts me like this!?

So I told him, I was expecting an important letter from my dear friend. [the following I have to write Harriet forthwith!] BECAUSE: he, my ever well informed husband, explained to me, he too, got a letter from our friends, from Mr. O more accurately and he had sent him an answer with the accompanying messenger. Lord C went to get it for me to read:

Cresford Inn, Wortham, July 11th

Dear Sir,
as a friend I would like to inform you about the late happenings at Wortham Hall in connection to my dear wife's family at -Park. You may wonder why this should effect you and your family, but the matter is a bit complicated and even more delicate.
I came to the knowledge of these circumstances only through a private conversation with your brother-in-law, Mr. Porter. But I have to relate to you the precedent happenings at my wife's former home to explain to you the difficult situation at hand.
When we left your kind hospitality to pay a visit to my family-in-law, we were not greeted with much civility nor respect at our arrival. My father-in-law literally banished us from his grounds and within the same breath accused not only us, but also you, Sir, your kind wife and her family of causing the imminent ruin of his family. As we had no idea what must have happened and had to leave at once (my poor wife thunderstruck, speechless and near bursting into tears), we decided to take lodgings at Cresford Inn and visited the Porters the following day.
Before we left without any more explanations, as they vouched not to have any idea what it was all about and hadn't spoken to the Fairweathers for quite a long time (whoever knows why!?), I nearly ran into your brother-in-law, who took me aside and asked me meet again at the Inn. There he could bring some light into this mess and told me that very evening an unsettling tale of the young Mr. Fairweather and your late brother, Sir. I don't know how much more Mr. Porter (or his family) is acquainted with Max's and your brother's racketeering during last season, or if you have any ideas what they might have been about. Therefore I beg you to receive us once more as soon as it might be of convenience to you.
I haven't told my wife all the details of Mr. Porter's narration and would rather discuss it with you to try to find a solution. I also recommend to look for Mr. F in order to bring more light into this matter and to convict him to his family...

I am, ever so grateful,
your servant

Clive Osberton, Esq.

And indeed my poor friend and her dearest husband arrived shortly after luncheon. - I took Harriet up to my little parlour and tried to comfort her as much as I could, although I was full of questions myself and more than curious to have more details from his Lordship.
I had to wait until after our very silent dinner and when I was in my dressing-room, having seen Harriet off into bed myself, Lord C begged to enter my room and related what news he knew now from Mr. O.: He must have shortened and censured it extensively; not to spare me the odious and shocking details, but for himself (and how he and I and whoever else will see his departed brother). I can barely retell what he told me, nor put it into words of my own. It is not primarily that I was to be part of some stupid and reckless game. But Frederick and Max have consciously played with many people's lives and souls and thinking of Max doing this to his own sister. Harriet must be more than just desolate to know this and more so, as her parents think her and her husband being part of this intrigue.
Why Jeremiah also knows of it and such a great deal, I cannot fathom and fear I won't find sleep this night. Lord C didn't tell me anything more about what my brother might know but at last said:

We will sort it all out, my dear, and Mr. Osberton and I will seek Mr. Fairweather out an get it explained and out of this world towards his family.

He kissed (!) me goodnight and left, leaving me standing there rooted to the spot. Oh how he took advantage of this situation and just kissed me! I am furious! Yes, I think I am...

July 14th, 1763

Now it is done.
Yesterday at dinner; well, before dinner - I got it over with and started with the easiest task to open up to my husband: I told him, that 'I' ordered a stew, vegetables and boiled meats for the first course of the meal, then a peacock pie and bread buns coated with cheese sauce and for dessert some fresh and sugared fruits (candied pineapple) as it was quite hot and I didn't want it too elaborate for only the two of us. [We had no guests, as usual, and] I hoped he would approve of my choice.
It was a great success I think, because he first just stared at me, then had to clear his throat at least half a dozen times before he could even start about what to think of it and moreover what to reply. We both must have been an amusing picture, right out of a comedy at the Royal Theatre. During the first two courses I asked him a great deal about his library and he invited me to show me parts of his collection that would be of interest to me... & I'm a great deal interested as the books I brought with me and some of those in the drawing room I already have read, in some cases twice - or in others don't want to read, 'cause I'm not at all interested in botany as must have been the last Lady C.; Well, thankfully she loved gardening. It is a work of art. And thankfully Mr. Pankhurst jr. is working to keep it like that.

I made tea in the Music Room, as usual, and he joined me there. Lord C told me about his latest plans he had discussed with Mr. Wolstenholme to enlarge the stables for the new horses he would acquire in autumn. As well as the enlargement along the anfractuous stream. He wants to connect the lane there with that of the park, leading to the stables from that direction... his business anyway... But conversation felt less awkward than before and it went more easily. Funny how everything can be made more effortless over a good meal...

Letter to Harriet

Leyland Manor, July 13th

My dearest Harriet,

since I got your note yestermorning, I have read it a dozen times, and though I am glad you immediately informed me of what had happened I am more confused and concerned than enlightened.
I cannot wait til you may write again and have to ask you for more particulars about what your parents said and what Clive could tell you later.
It all must be a misunderstanding! did you see your brother or is he still in town or wherever? he must know more about it, as he was the one in the first place to be surprised about your marriage and disaproved that your parents did not object you chosing for yourself. My mother told me, it is your sister now to make an even better match - but how could her portion be lost too and your brother's inheritance? You both had it inherited by your mother's uncle and my father always wished he could give all that is his to Jeremiah and we girls could have had such an relation as your mother... Forgive me, I am only kind of quoting my father... - Well, I know that J was very happy about Annabella having a nicely sized dowry. And Patsy, and Violet too, went into their marriages as quite well-portioned brides. I know nothing specific about my marriage contract, but when my father, J and Lord C signed it, I took the opportunity to take a glimpse on what I am worth. It was a very different sum than in Frederick's agreement; I only know that because I heard J scolding my father about him throwing his youngest daughter to the wolves and this remark made me fear Frederick more than ever before. So when that marriage didn't take place and it was talked about me marrying his brother and then you suddenly marrying yourself... how can it effect your family's fortune!?
Your Emy is going it over again and again and through all likely possibilities, as surely you both did as well. I am anxiously awaiting your next letter and hope everything was only a mistake.

Yours,
ever so affectionate,
Emmeline Cartwright

July 13th, 1763

I decided to finally write a letter to Harriet and ask her for more particulars, especially as I cannot wait another day for a more precise narration of her.
Since their departure the meals together with Lord C are a trying thing to endure. I try to converse with him about general matters and he politely answers and inquires about my day. Though I can clearly feel he's disapproving my non-house-working attitude, he doesn't say a single word. Another, not discussed problem between us is our non-marriage. It is burning in his eyes - since Harriet made me look more closely, I am more than aware of my husband's supressed feelings towards me (wherever and why at all they come from) and it makes me even more uncomfortable. With Harriet gone and no Mr O to distract him from his wife, I know not what to do. It is not really that I pity him, nor me. I so dearly want to find a solution of this misery and I think there is no other way than to talk to him.
I am determined to change my stupid deportment and will try to be a good wife and friend to my husband:

1. asking out Mrs. Lewis about how the late Lady C. managed the house and what was traditionally done for servants and tenants
2. stop being miserable, as I AM MARRIED and should be happy that it is to Lord C and not to his brother
3. trying to be more amiable towards my husband

Now I will write to Harriet, no matter if there will be a letter by the morrow. If that will be so, I will just write again.

June 25th, 2010

The staff of the Leyland Manor Research Center and the author of the Leyland Manor Diary proudly announce the new Project Homepage: The Leyland Manor Project at Google Sites. The Research Center will soon move completely to the Project Page and will close it's Blogger Adress. You are of course welcome to the new Homepage and we are looking forward to your contributions and feedback!

LM-staff

July 12th, 1763

The last two days were awful indeed.
After rereading Harriet's letter more than I should have, I have now to face Lord C at the dinner table and try not to show my confused state of mind.

What is it suppose to mean, that he and my family in a way contributed to the ruin of Harriet's family? I am at a loss, but how could I ever find a way of asking his Lordship such a question; I wouldn't even dare to ask my parents...

Letter from Harriet

*** Park, July 9th 1763

Dearest Emy,
I write this note in haste, just to inform you of our departure from my father's estate the mere minute we arrived. Clive is very upset about the treatment we suffered and quite determined never to talk to my parents again. I still can't recall what really happened. The whole house was in an uproar when Smidgeon announced our coach. My Lord and I barely had crossed the threshold when I heard my father roar we're never to set a foot on his grounds again. Clive sent me outside and the arguing began. I got a glimpse of my mother and sister behind the drawing room window and mother was clearly crying. I do not know what to think of it. Now, after we passed Wortham and retired for the night at the Cresford Inn, Clive had calmed enough to speak to me.
I am devastated my dearest friend, for my parents are ruined and the only money they could have had was my dowry. My father was furious about my 'hasty' marriage and that I had ruined him and all my family and the worst, he also alleges that you, Lord C and your family have their share in this affair; but neither Clive nor I have any clue about his accusations nor if there could be any foundation to it. We will go to Wortham on the morrow and ask for some explanations. Truly, there must be a mistake.
Please don't yet inquire to Lord C, as we have no real insight into that matter... I will write to you as soon as possible and remain

your affectionate
H.

July 10th, 1763

I should have found an excuse not to have to give my Sunday School class today. I had no sleep at all last night and almost slept in during service.
It was strange to be alone again at Leyland. And having dinner with Lord C without any other companions was nerve-wracking to no end. We talked just a little and only about the most trivial things imaginable. Then he left for his library, telling me not to bother with tea. I went for the Music Room, playing my harp. But my restless fingers couldn’t get to any notable melody. So I decided to go to bed and left the room towards the backstairs. There was Lord C, leaning against the door frame and obviously listening to my musical attempts. He had his eyes closed and didn’t noticed me opening the door. I actually walked into him and in this instant he caught me, both his hands on my hips. First he had his head bent and rested his forehead against mine, then he kissed it and left me standing there… What a horrible night it was. I can’t remember my dreams, but when I finally found some rest it already dawned and it was time to get up for service.

In the small parlour of the charity schools headmistress’s apartment I sat with my young pupils eagerly working on their pockets. – I have no clue why those girls like to do that sort of craft, for I myself would rather learn something more important to earn my future living. But the ladies around here are eager to ‘use’ the supply of girls and boys of poor farmers as their future servants, training them from childhood to fit their needs...

When I came back home I found a letter from Harriet, announcing her departure from *** Park. I wish she had stayed so I could talk with ‘someone’.

July 9th, 1763

Updated entry:
When I woke today, I couldn't quite persuade myself to get up and start with my usual morning habits. Harriet was gone, visiting her family. When the moment of farewell came, I was mentally frozen. I wished her and Clive a good journey, thanked them for their visit (and they in return thanked us for our hospitality and kindness) - all very formal phrases in completely unformal behaviour. My dearest friend did hold me tight for a considerable amount of time. A thought crossed my mind that Lord C would harrumph at the sight of this, but he didn't and I was glad... - so my mind was then singularly occupied with the fact of their leaving. It was after the coach had long vanished, when I realized that I was still staring after her. Even Lord C was still outside. We went for a walk then, which woke me from my lethargy. Then I was frightened. No time to compose and to rethink all I prepared for such a moment.

But alas! the Miss H. and her mother came to call and took me for a drive.

We had quite a nice visit after all. Though there's not much going on in the village, Miss H's mother always finds some kind of news and via her daughter we had our share of the gossip. It is said that there's an estate to be sold at the border of the county. And though it is only a rumour, Mrs. H seems to know a great deal about them. A rich merchant family from Carlisle wishes to move into the neighbourhood. I conceive that the bespoken estate must be Stackney Hall near the insignificant village Burton Stackney. I have heard about it before when Lord C and Mr O spoke about estate business. It is an mansion owned by the son of an impoverished Cumbrian family. A little more than 500 acres and the merchants will become gentry. But no one is talking about what will happen to the current owner. – When I went back and came to a home without my guests, I felt very lonely and stayed in my room. How will I be able to face him!?

July 8th, 1763

It was our last day and Harriet and I spent our time in my apartment. We had our meals there together and left the men to themselves. I didn't want to think about the hour of her leaving. I was anxious to have her advice before she would leave and to have a clue about what to do about my married life. There was no way I could have asked for help from my family and also Miss B didn't made a position on such a list though she was so dear to me. Strangely enough that I want our neighbourhood to think us mutually harmonious, I came to the conclusion that I want it for Lord C's sake...

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