July 12th, 1763

The last two days were awful indeed.
After rereading Harriet's letter more than I should have, I have now to face Lord C at the dinner table and try not to show my confused state of mind.

What is it suppose to mean, that he and my family in a way contributed to the ruin of Harriet's family? I am at a loss, but how could I ever find a way of asking his Lordship such a question; I wouldn't even dare to ask my parents...

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Letter from Harriet

*** Park, July 9th 1763

Dearest Emy,
I write this note in haste, just to inform you of our departure from my father's estate the mere minute we arrived. Clive is very upset about the treatment we suffered and quite determined never to talk to my parents again. I still can't recall what really happened. The whole house was in an uproar when Smidgeon announced our coach. My Lord and I barely had crossed the threshold when I heard my father roar we're never to set a foot on his grounds again. Clive sent me outside and the arguing began. I got a glimpse of my mother and sister behind the drawing room window and mother was clearly crying. I do not know what to think of it. Now, after we passed Wortham and retired for the night at the Cresford Inn, Clive had calmed enough to speak to me.
I am devastated my dearest friend, for my parents are ruined and the only money they could have had was my dowry. My father was furious about my 'hasty' marriage and that I had ruined him and all my family and the worst, he also alleges that you, Lord C and your family have their share in this affair; but neither Clive nor I have any clue about his accusations nor if there could be any foundation to it. We will go to Wortham on the morrow and ask for some explanations. Truly, there must be a mistake.
Please don't yet inquire to Lord C, as we have no real insight into that matter... I will write to you as soon as possible and remain


your affectionate
H. 

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July 10th, 1763

I should have found an excuse not to have to give my Sunday School class today. I had no sleep at all last night and almost slept in during service.
It was strange to be alone again at Leyland. And having dinner with Lord C without any other companions was nerve-wracking to no end. We talked just a little and only about the most trivial things imaginable. Then he left for his library, telling me not to bother with tea. I went for the Music Room, playing my harp. But my restless fingers couldn’t get to any notable melody. So I decided to go to bed and left the room towards the backstairs. There was Lord C, leaning against the door frame and obviously listening to my musical attempts. He had his eyes closed and didn’t noticed me opening the door. I actually walked into him and in this instant he caught me, both his hands on my hips. First he had his head bent and rested his forehead against mine, then he kissed it and left me standing there… What a horrible night it was. I can’t remember my dreams, but when I finally found some rest it already dawned and it was time to get up for service.

In the small parlour of the charity schools headmistress’s apartment I sat with my young pupils eagerly working on their pockets. – I have no clue why those girls like to do that sort of craft, for I myself would rather learn something more important to earn my future living. But the ladies around here are eager to ‘use’ the supply of girls and boys of poor farmers as their future servants, training them from childhood to fit their needs...

When I came back home I found a letter from Harriet, announcing her departure from *** Park. I wish she had stayed so I could talk with ‘someone’.

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July 9th, 1763

Updated entry:
When I woke today, I couldn't quite persuade myself to get up and start with my usual morning habits. Harriet was gone, visiting her family. When the moment of farewell came, I was mentally frozen. I wished her and Clive a good journey, thanked them for their visit (and they in return thanked us for our hospitality and kindness) - all very formal phrases in completely unformal behaviour. My dearest friend did hold me tight for a considerable amount of time. A thought crossed my mind that Lord C would harrumph at the sight of this, but he didn't and I was glad... - so my mind was then singularly occupied with the fact of their leaving. It was after the coach had long vanished, when I realized that I was still staring after her. Even Lord C was still outside. We went for a walk then, which woke me from my lethargy. Then I was frightened. No time to compose and to rethink all I prepared for such a moment.

But alas! the Miss H. and her mother came to call and took me for a drive.

We had quite a nice visit after all. Though there's not much going on in the village, Miss H's mother always finds some kind of news and via her daughter we had our share of the gossip. It is said that there's an estate to be sold at the border of the county. And though it is only a rumour, Mrs. H seems to know a great deal about them. A rich merchant family from Carlisle wishes to move into the neighbourhood. I conceive that the bespoken estate must be Stackney Hall near the insignificant village Burton Stackney. I have heard about it before when Lord C and Mr O spoke about estate business. It is an mansion owned by the son of an impoverished Cumbrian family. A little more than 500 acres and the merchants will become gentry. But no one is talking about what will happen to the current owner. – When I went back and came to a home without my guests, I felt very lonely and stayed in my room. How will I be able to face him!?

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July 8th, 1763

It was our last day and Harriet and I spent our time in my apartment. We had our meals there together and left the men to themselves. I didn't want to think about the hour of her leaving. I was anxious to have her advice before she would leave and to have a clue about what to do about my married life. There was no way I could have asked for help from my family and also Miss B didn't made a position on such a list though she was so dear to me. Strangely enough that I want our neighbourhood to think us mutually harmonious, I came to the conclusion that I want it for Lord C's sake...

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