July 16th, 1763

I had the breakfast brought up into my parlour, so that Harriet and I had time to discuss what troubled us most and our husbands were in Lord C's study anyway. Brittles informed me that they are planning to leave for London and H and I knew they want to seek out Max.
The men of course wouldn't inform us about any details, and though we are affected, they will defend their and our honour, in a gentlemanly way...

Despite that, I would like to know what exactly my father knew about all of that mess. He must be roughly informed about something. Jeremiah knows! I begin to suspect anything!

night
Again, after we all went to our chambers, my husband sought me out in my room. He announced their departure at dawn the following morning and their wish not to lose one minute in investigating how far Max and Fred went in their perfidiously game. He walked about my bedroom, quite nervous, but probably not as nervous as I was.
I had no idea about what I was more anxious: he maybe kissing me again, or... maybe not... and the silly thought of asking him to say goodbye tomorrow morning and some strange inner voice thinking for whatever reason I would think that...
Thinking this, doing that, he took the decision from me in any case and before he left the room he took my hands in his and closing them tightly in front of his chest: I got kissed on my forehead and was mumbled a 'good night'. At that precise moment, I wished, he had chosen my lips for it, but he hadn't.

What a strange wish anyway...

Now I am a bit relieved to be alone again, though I don't think of sleeping, ever sleeping again...

Read More

July 15th, 1763

I haven't slept so well for a long time and I awoke quite contentedly this morning. The post didn't bring any news from Harriet, but I was sure she must get my letter today or tomorrow morning at the latest. Still, I was uneasy when and when Lord C came to the breakfast parlour (from his study, I suppose. He's always up so very early...), he sensed my mood and lingered a bit too long over my hand (for my taste). Still holding it, he smiled encouraging.

But one shouldn't halloo 'til you're out of the wood!

Oh, why is all coming down on me at once!? Still having Harriet's disturbing words in my head, no clue what to do about it actively and finally about starting to like my own husband, he accomplishes to wreck my nerves even more.

My dear,
my Emmeline...
What is the matter with you!? You never confide in me, never let me know what you think.
Please, talk to me, I beg you!

Oh my good Lord, why is it always so hard!? Especially when it only began to become easier!? I'm acting so foolishly and probably hurt him all the time. Even when I want to safe him any trouble and grief. What was I to do? How could I get out of this dilemma?
I really don't like how he always looks at me with his hazelnut eyes. It is very unfair! How shall I keep the thread of my thoughts intact when he distracts me like this!?

So I told him, I was expecting an important letter from my dear friend. [the following I have to write Harriet forthwith!] BECAUSE: he, my ever well informed husband, explained to me, he too, got a letter from our friends, from Mr. O more accurately and he had sent him an answer with the accompanying messenger. Lord C went to get it for me to read:

Cresford Inn, Wortham, July 11th

Dear Sir,
as a friend I would like to inform you about the late happenings at Wortham Hall in connection to my dear wife's family at -Park. You may wonder why this should effect you and your family, but the matter is a bit complicated and even more delicate.
I came to the knowledge of these circumstances only through a private conversation with your brother-in-law, Mr. Porter. But I have to relate to you the precedent happenings at my wife's former home to explain to you the difficult situation at hand.
When we left your kind hospitality to pay a visit to my family-in-law, we were not greeted with much civility nor respect at our arrival. My father-in-law literally banished us from his grounds and within the same breath accused not only us, but also you, Sir, your kind wife and her family of causing the imminent ruin of his family. As we had no idea what must have happened and had to leave at once (my poor wife thunderstruck, speechless and near bursting into tears), we decided to take lodgings at Cresford Inn and visited the Porters the following day.
Before we left without any more explanations, as they vouched not to have any idea what it was all about and hadn't spoken to the Fairweathers for quite a long time (whoever knows why!?), I nearly ran into your brother-in-law, who took me aside and asked me meet again at the Inn. There he could bring some light into this mess and told me that very evening an unsettling tale of the young Mr. Fairweather and your late brother, Sir. I don't know how much more Mr. Porter (or his family) is acquainted with Max's and your brother's racketeering during last season, or if you have any ideas what they might have been about. Therefore I beg you to receive us once more as soon as it might be of convenience to you.
I haven't told my wife all the details of Mr. Porter's narration and would rather discuss it with you to try to find a solution. I also recommend to look for Mr. F in order to bring more light into this matter and to convict him to his family...

I am, ever so grateful,
your servant

Clive Osberton, Esq.

And indeed my poor friend and her dearest husband arrived shortly after luncheon. - I took Harriet up to my little parlour and tried to comfort her as much as I could, although I was full of questions myself and more than curious to have more details from his Lordship.
I had to wait until after our very silent dinner and when I was in my dressing-room, having seen Harriet off into bed myself, Lord C begged to enter my room and related what news he knew now from Mr. O.: He must have shortened and censured it extensively; not to spare me the odious and shocking details, but for himself (and how he and I and whoever else will see his departed brother). I can barely retell what he told me, nor put it into words of my own. It is not primarily that I was to be part of some stupid and reckless game. But Frederick and Max have consciously played with many people's lives and souls and thinking of Max doing this to his own sister. Harriet must be more than just desolate to know this and more so, as her parents think her and her husband being part of this intrigue.
Why Jeremiah also knows of it and such a great deal, I cannot fathom and fear I won't find sleep this night. Lord C didn't tell me anything more about what my brother might know but at last said:

We will sort it all out, my dear, and Mr. Osberton and I will seek Mr. Fairweather out an get it explained and out of this world towards his family.

He kissed (!) me goodnight and left, leaving me standing there rooted to the spot. Oh how he took advantage of this situation and just kissed me! I am furious! Yes, I think I am...

Read More

July 14th, 1763

Now it is done.
Yesterday at dinner; well, before dinner - I got it over with and started with the easiest task to open up to my husband: I told him, that 'I' ordered a stew, vegetables and boiled meats for the first course of the meal, then a peacock pie and bread buns coated with cheese sauce and for dessert some fresh and sugared fruits (candied pineapple) as it was quite hot and I didn't want it too elaborate for only the two of us. [We had no guests, as usual, and] I hoped he would approve of my choice.
It was a great success I think, because he first just stared at me, then had to clear his throat at least half a dozen times before he could even start about what to think of it and moreover what to reply. We both must have been an amusing picture, right out of a comedy at the Royal Theatre. During the first two courses I asked him a great deal about his library and he invited me to show me parts of his collection that would be of interest to me... & I'm a great deal interested as the books I brought with me and some of those in the drawing room I already have read, in some cases twice - or in others don't want to read, 'cause I'm not at all interested in botany as must have been the last Lady C.; Well, thankfully she loved gardening. It is a work of art. And thankfully Mr. Pankhurst jr. is working to keep it like that.

I made tea in the Music Room, as usual, and he joined me there. Lord C told me about his latest plans he had discussed with Mr. Wolstenholme to enlarge the stables for the new horses he would acquire in autumn. As well as the enlargement along the anfractuous stream. He wants to connect the lane there with that of the park, leading to the stables from that direction... his business anyway... But conversation felt less awkward than before and it went more easily. Funny how everything can be made more effortless over a good meal...

Read More

Letter to Harriet

Leyland Manor, July 13th

My dearest Harriet,

since I got your note yestermorning, I have read it a dozen times, and though I am glad you immediately informed me of what had happened I am more confused and concerned than enlightened.
I cannot wait til you may write again and have to ask you for more particulars about what your parents said and what Clive could tell you later.
It all must be a misunderstanding! did you see your brother or is he still in town or wherever? he must know more about it, as he was the one in the first place to be surprised about your marriage and disaproved that your parents did not object you chosing for yourself. My mother told me, it is your sister now to make an even better match - but how could her portion be lost too and your brother's inheritance? You both had it inherited by your mother's uncle and my father always wished he could give all that is his to Jeremiah and we girls could have had such an relation as your mother... Forgive me, I am only kind of quoting my father... - Well, I know that J was very happy about Annabella having a nicely sized dowry. And Patsy, and Violet too, went into their marriages as quite well-portioned brides. I know nothing specific about my marriage contract, but when my father, J and Lord C signed it, I took the opportunity to take a glimpse on what I am worth. It was a very different sum than in Frederick's agreement; I only know that because I heard J scolding my father about him throwing his youngest daughter to the wolves and this remark made me fear Frederick more than ever before. So when that marriage didn't take place and it was talked about me marrying his brother and then you suddenly marrying yourself... how can it effect your family's fortune!?
Your Emy is going it over again and again and through all likely possibilities, as surely you both did as well. I am anxiously awaiting your next letter and hope everything was only a mistake.

Yours,
ever so affectionate,
Emmeline Cartwright

Read More

July 13th, 1763

I decided to finally write a letter to Harriet and ask her for more particulars, especially as I cannot wait another day for a more precise narration of her.
Since their departure the meals together with Lord C are a trying thing to endure. I try to converse with him about general matters and he politely answers and inquires about my day. Though I can clearly feel he's disapproving my non-house-working attitude, he doesn't say a single word. Another, not discussed problem between us is our non-marriage. It is burning in his eyes - since Harriet made me look more closely, I am more than aware of my husband's supressed feelings towards me (wherever and why at all they come from) and it makes me even more uncomfortable. With Harriet gone and no Mr O to distract him from his wife, I know not what to do. It is not really that I pity him, nor me. I so dearly want to find a solution of this misery and I think there is no other way than to talk to him.
I am determined to change my stupid deportment and will try to be a good wife and friend to my husband:

1. asking out Mrs. Lewis about how the late Lady C. managed the house and what was traditionally done for servants and tenants
2. stop being miserable, as I AM MARRIED and should be happy that it is to Lord C and not to his brother
3. trying to be more amiable towards my husband

Now I will write to Harriet, no matter if there will be a letter by the morrow. If that will be so, I will just write again.

Read More