July 25th, 1763

After Lord C had shown me his library, I wanted to read some of those books and now, that Harriet and I are alone and can't possibly visit all people around here every day, we decided to stay in the library. It is unbearably hot today but in this room. Since it is so warm this summer, I noticed how perfectly well Mrs Lewis had trained the staff to move around the house and shutting and opening the Venetian blinds according to the sun. I will keep that in mind, when we stay at other places. I never saw any of our servants running about at Wortham, nor ever hearing mama advice such things. Maybe she needn't bother; I should ask her some day...
We were comfortably reading and now and then browsing the shelves for treats of adventures or novels, when I stumbled upon an edition of Mandeville's "Fable of the Bees". Mama had me read it a dozen times and learn it from heart, when I was a child; how I detest that thing!
...containing several discourses, to demonstrate, that human frailties, during the degeneracy of mankind, may be turn'd to the advantage of civil society, and made to supply the place of moral virtues...
Thinking about it, it seems my mother saw me as the black sheep long before my rebellion against this marriage, though I always thought to be a good child... - I sincerely hope, this book was bought by Lord C's parents and not by himself; or I seriously have to watch him carefully...

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July 24th, 1763

I dreamt of my husband last night.
It was dawn, when I woke with a start. First I couldn't make out what had startled me so. But slowly I remembered the dream and had to sit up straight to digest it.

After breakfast, H and I went into the shrubbery to relish the cherries. I have some very sweet at the moment, as Isaac brought them in after dinner. I would have Mrs Redbourn bake a cherry pie (I still should ask her), but as Lord C isn't here to enjoy it; well, they might return in time for the rest of the fruits to be due.
I am more calmed down now, but in the shrubbery with H analysing my changed disposition towards my husband, I was partly surprised by her accurate and deep observations and, though distracted by the sweet gooseberries, a bit annoyed at myself. It is true, I changed consiberably during Hs absence, which is an unsignificant time frame anyway. But she is my friend and she was right. maybe H didn't expect me to overcome my stubbornness and follow her advice so fast and so soon.

I am glad you decided to see him what he is: your husband, your partner in life, Emmeline. Trust him to be a very good one too. He is not like his brother. Your own dear Jeremiah said so.

I wish I could talk to my brother; I wish, he could be here, but more so I wish him to be with Clive and Lord C in London helping them.

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July 23rd, 1763

Ms B called this morning and Mrs H and her daughter came later to tea. We were invited to the Barrett's tonight for cards and stayed quite long; Mr B's sister insisting on some music as well.
I lost twice at Quadrille and Harriet rather liked to sit with Lady Humberdross, who never played cards or anything...
Sir H was not a good partner for me, as he never remembered which card was trump. After the second lost game I decided to relieve Mrs Kettle from from staying all night behind the harpsichord and, selfishly (i wouldn't lie to myself here), hid behind the instrument. It was soothing not to be bothered by anyone.
When we returned home, H was obviously in a good mood and we had some tea before we went to bed. Whatever Lady H had to tell her, it has brightened her up enormously.

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July 18th, 1763

After the gentlemen had left very early, I couldn't find any sleep whatsoever and then found Harriet awake as well. We didn't bother to wait for breakfast and just had tea, startling the housemaids not accustomed to see their mistress or a guest up and about at this hour and literally being in their way preparing the house for us coming down - which would have been much later usually... So we went for a walk in the garden, not hungry at all. We happened to walk quite far out into the park, sometimes talking, sometimes being silent, and only noticed we had lost our orientation, when we were finally hungry. Had it not been for Mr. Loughname to cross our path and leading us back to the main path and towards the house, we would have starved to death or wandered to Scotland...
We didn't talk about the latest incidents but about taking a house together in Bath as soon as our husbands would be back again. Making plans as ordinary as that was consoling indeed. - The summer still mainly ahead of us, Harriet desperately wanted to go to the seaside, but not our seaside in Cumberland, she was thinking about the fashionable one.

To day, we set out to visit Ms B as we hadn't been at the service yesterday. It was refreshing to think and talk of something entirely different. Although I hadn't seen her for a week, since last Sunday that is, I was glad she hadn't been at Leyland for a visit and would have observed my strange state of mind. She expressed her surprise of meeting Harriet so soon again and my friend and I decided mutely to let her in to the most general facts of what had happened. I was sure, and so was Harriet I suspect, that Ms B was the last person we coudln't trust and the most sympathetic friend we could find around here. And so it was indeed and Harriet seemed to be rather evidently relieved to have one confidant as supporting and impartial as Ms B.

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July 17th, 1763

I needn't have bothered to ponder the question last night. My husband came into my bedroom this morning to bid farewell and even dared to tell me, that he would miss me.
How cruel!
I hadn't slept well or at all that night and was quite exhausted. I realized him sitting on the edge of my bed, caressing my hair. It is awfully mean of me to be somehow annoyed by his behaviour towards me. I mean, his kind behaviour towards me! How do I deserve it anyway? I am afraid I really begin to like him, as if it is not already enough that I respect him. But his perfect conduct, especially in comparison with his brother, is reminding me all the time, that I am really grateful to be HIS wife and not anybody else's. What a disturbing thing to realize!

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