Leyland, May 16th, 1763

My mother and Patsy told me, that HE would come to my chamber in our wedding night, sharing the bed with me. And that I should encourage him in every way. Whatever that means! He did not, however, even knock on my door last night. I wasn´t unhappy about it. Why should I want him to sleep next to me. He might snore. Or touch me; and I´m not wearing gloves or long sleeves like in the carriage or at the wedding... I had some breakfast in my room, when Jenna, my new maid, came and dressed me for the last day of our journey to Leyland. It was stormy and I had hopes we might have to stay on the road another night. It scares me almost to death to imagine arriving at the Great House, which is to be my new home. I scarcely can recollect what I feel about my old one. When we passed the crossroad, where Wilcox Lane leads to *** the sky got darker by the minute, getting more frightening with every mile we covered. Jolting up the drive of Leyland Manor, it was pouring down mercilessly, leaving us no chance to get out of the carriage sooner than the footmen came with umbrellas to escort us inside. It was then, that he took my hand. And I, stupidly, looked at him, seeing his warm, encouraging smile, welcoming me at his - now our - home. Of course, the tears flooded my eyes. So fast, I couldn´t quickly enough turn away and his Lordship embraced me, murmuring something I didn´t understand so overwhelmed was I by his scent. I never have smelled anything like that. How weak I am! He could have told me anything, I would have believed it right away. And again, God saved me and the door was pulled open and he released me. I wasn´t able to flee very far however. And now I´m in my bedchamber and though its mid May I´m sitting at the fire, in nightgown and dressing robe - writing this.
It is ironic that this attire should suit this room so perfectly. Violet purchased my new dressing robe in London, already last year, when my family intended me for the late Lord C. It is of turquoise silk, embroidered with exotic flowers and little birds, golden trimmed long narrow sleeves. And here I sit in a room with exquisite hand-painted Oriental wallpaper at a Chinese escritoire, perfectly handsome and so lady-like, Jenna informed me. The desk had come just a day before our arrival, Lord C. having purchased it especially for me. A wedding gift! That´s the last thing I needed!*
I didn´t touch the soup, Jenna brought me, which earned some quizzical looks from her, but other than that she left me alone. For that is what I want most. Being alone and left in peace. And there´s the dilemma. Remembering my mother's words of him coming to my room and his not coming last night, I fear it will be now. It is his house, he´s the master, and I´m at his every whim. And what if he decides to come here tonight!?


*Auch das noch!