Last night he came to my room again. I had heard him on the stairs, then the slightly creaking door. Still, when I felt his weight on the bed, I kept my back turned to him, pretending to be asleep. 'My Lady.' he said, touching my shoulder (bare it was, fool that I am not to cover myself properly!). I tried to look very tired, when he turned me towards him, stroking my chin. It was unbearable feeling his touch. So I opened my eyes, slowly, facing my husband´s tender look resting on my face. It´s true, it made my spine shiver and my fingers tremble and my heart ache. But I do not want him. Especially not so close to me. He...
May 23rd, 1763
After having ordered me to dine with him, Lord C. preferred not to join me for our first shared dinner. I entered the Little Parlour opposite his study, but the table was only supplied with one set. HE wasn´t even at home.
I had some soup, a bit of mutton and wine and went upstairs to my room. - I don´t know why, but I felt neglected. Am I such a spoiled creature? To miss something only in the moment when it´s not at hand? That this should be my husband? Dear me!
Today we had our breakfast together. The room was very bright and friendly this morning. We have uncommon good weather for this time of year and the part of the...
May 22nd, 1763
Today I had to break my fast with my husband. He got tired and annoyed of me keeping to my room and crying and behaving like a little child. Or so he told me. He ordered me to be ready and presentable to take me to church, for it was already a week since our coming to Leyland as husband and wife. One week of marriage. One week of total sorrow. I put on my yellow-striped silk dress with the embroidered fichu around my neck, a black trimmed straw-hat and my black silk neckband with the cross. I had no prayer book with me; it must still be in the boxes in my other room. My cabinet which I haven´t seen until today after church....
Leyland, May 17th, 1763
I went to bed last night at about twelve. The storm hadn´t ceased at all, howling in the trees close to the house. I heard the rain lashing the windows behind the inner shutters and drawn curtains. It was impossible to fall asleep, although I was terribly tired. I lay awake for half an hour, when the door opened and in came his Lordship. He saw me looking at him incredulously and instantly froze on the spot. I heard him taking a deep breath and he came towards the bed stopping at the bedpost, still holding my gaze; or stare. I do not know which. He frowned at it, sat down on the edge of the bed, not leaving my face and reaching...
May 17th, 1763
Today is Lord C's birthday. I was told by Mrs. Lewis, who also informed me, that his Lordship is not celebrating either birthday or name day, but giving some money and food to the servants of Leyland and the poor in the neighbourhood....
Leyland, May 16th, 1763
My mother and Patsy told me, that HE would come to my chamber in our wedding night, sharing the bed with me. And that I should encourage him in every way. Whatever that means! He did not, however, even knock on my door last night. I wasn´t unhappy about it. Why should I want him to sleep next to me. He might snore. Or touch me; and I´m not wearing gloves or long sleeves like in the carriage or at the wedding... I had some breakfast in my room, when Jenna, my new maid, came and dressed me for the last day of our journey to Leyland. It was stormy and I had hopes we might have to stay on the road another night. It scares me...
Wortham, May 15th, 1763
My wedding day.
After the wedding breakfast, I bade my family farewell. My father took aside Lord C.; mother came to the carriage door once more and patted my hand. 'I´m very proud of you, my darling girl.' said she, tears in her eyes. I felt pity for her. For all of them. And I was angry. Unbelievably angry. I will not write to them for some time. 'And write to me as often as you can, my dear. You will need some time to get to used to the house and you will have quite a different schedule as a married woman. Don´t forget to be kind, modest and to keep your voice down. You will make your husband a fine, respectable and proper...
May 14th, 1763
Tomorrow is my wedding day...
How delighted my mother was this morning. She had an angel's smile on her lips, my sister Patsy joined her. Both coming to my chamber, wanting to talk to me about something serious.
They left me alone for the rest of the day, but secured all comfort for me and the servants coming and going and leaving treats around me like I'm a child to be spoiled before she gets her tooth pulled out.
I was looking out of my window all day long, rather like a prisoner consoled by my solitude.
Lord C. came the day before. He's with my father all the time in the library, only occasionally joined by my brother....
Letter to Fitzwilliam Cartwright
Bath, May 11th 1763My dear Nephew,
I am very happy to wish you all the best and happiness to your upcoming marriage. I am sure the young lady will be a good wife to you as you described her virtues to me so expressively. Your cousin is not able to attend. He is a very sensitive boy not to leave his aunt when she is ill. We arrived at our accommodation in Bath last week and already the waters do me good. I thank you for your kind letter. You are a good boy! And you will be a very good husband indeed, as was your father to your mother, may they rest in peace.
It is your legacy now to care for Leyland, our beloved home and its...
May 10th, 1763
I'm seriously getting more and more nervous.Not only Mother and Mrs. P are getting on my nerves and bustling around me all the time, but also J is not himself.Somehow I think they're looking forward to get rid of m...
May 6th, 1763
Mother is asking me every time the post came if I had a letter from Lord C.
She annoys me. Seriously.
I had no letter. Not since the small package arrived weeks ago.
But I do know, that he wrote to my father. So why is Mother so keen on having me getting a letter? I wouldn't know what to answer him anywa...
April 30th, 1763
I visited Mr. Walker today. I waited for half an hour in the Parlour, went in search for him through the Hall, then into the Court and over to the kitchen, only to find out he is still in the Chapel; so I made my way back, found the entryway locked and had to go back through all the rooms again and out onto the main lawn and over to the Chapel. There he was, completely unaware that he had visitors. His staff must have forgotten to inform him about my presence he supposed. Then, ages later and back in the Parlour, his footman found us,...
April 29th, 1763
This morning we had bad timing for our outing. We went riding right after breakfast and intended a picnic at Parker's Lodge. But out of a sudden we were almost drowned by the heavy rain no one had expected. We lost our way, sunk into the deep mud, Mrs. P had - of course - to tumble off her mount and J had problems getting her up again and on the horse. But in the end we safely negotiated through the flood and made our way hom...
April 26th, 1763
The dinner was superb. I can't recall any evening lately when I had so much fun.We also had a practical charade with a curtain, some costumes to cover our evening dresses and to be appropriately dressed in our roles. There were also some card games, J was battling poor Mr. Walker in a chess game and later we all battled at the refreshment table for tea and sweets and some cold meat.Came home late at about eleven thirt...
April 25th, 1763
Our gentlemen had invited some friends for cricket and refreshments this afternoon. They stayed for dinner and we had quite an interesting evening. It was very informal though, but we danced a bit later that night. We were four couples, not counting my parents who refused to join, but watched us from the salon. Mrs. Drawing's daughter Emanuelle played the piano and we had a few very charming country dances.
Tomorrow we are invited for dinner at Mr.Walker's, who is positively lonely so far from the village. He invited half the neighbourhood I presume and his poor housekeeper who is not used to so many visitors will have to...
April 23rd, 1763
Today we three had a donkey race.
Mrs. P's donkey against J's horse Raider and me on my old mare Carolynne.
Mrs. P and I were watching J later leaping a ditch, which he did forbid us to do. So we had to go all the way to the bridge and cross the small stream. Well, Mrs. P would never even dream of doing anything so outrageous, but I was tempted...
Raider did spook Mrs. P's donkey later on our outing and she was tumbling a great deal, then it run off with her, J racing after his wife, who still had problems controlling the beast. It slowed down and coming to a halt eventually and Mrs. P rolled off her donkey. J rescued her...
April 21st, 1763
J harnessed two donkeys, he had lately bought, to a small carriage. He said, that because of their size, they are more suitable for us ladies to handle and ride them. I still prefer the horses, but Mrs. P was never happier and enjoys her outing in the park every sunny morning from now on.
But as these creatures are notoriously obstinate she was a mess after her first riding out this afternoon. She tried to get her donkey across a stream, which it didn't want to obviously and J had to combine his efforts with those of Peter to lead the creature back to the stables.
But Mrs. P is not to be trifled with, she will ride out...
April 20th, 1763
Today I went fishing with Jeremiah. We were talking about our summers before his marriage and tried to catch a carp or a gudgeon. Though I had only a long twig and a line made of horse hair, I got two more fish than my brothe...
April 15th, 1763
One month left.
With a short note accompanying it, I received a little package today with the morning post from Leyland. It was from Lord C. who requested me to wear this necklace formerly owned by his mother. It is a fair and very beautiful golden necklace with a small cross adorned by tiny rubies. I didn´t show it anyone, primarily not to Mrs. P who was in a mood today. The baby is better and also Jeremiah has gotten back to his jovial disposition. What darkens her humour is unfathomable. She was still in a temper after dinner and having to stay in the saloon with her, until the gentlemen joined, us was gallin...
April 13th, 1763
The preparations for the wedding were carried on today. The dressmaker came for some fitting and Mrs. P is her old self again, making good advices as not look better than herself. She is still envious of the lace I´ll wear at the ceremony. It is actually amusing how fretfully she grudges me this piece of fabri...
Letter to Lord C.
Wortham Hall, April 10th, 1763
Dear Sir,
in writing you this, my family thanks you for your sympathy. Let me assure you that Mr. Porter´s son is on the mend and will soon be at his best again. We had additional prayers today at the service.
My father wishes me to tell you that we all are indeed indebted to your kindness and solicitousness and sends you his best wishes.
E....
Leyland Manor, April 4th, 1763
J received a letter from home, urging him and Mrs. P to return, as their infant son had caught cold and was very weak. Mother was desolate and begged my father to go home as well. As sorry I am for the little boy, the more thankful I am for his perfect timing. Lord C. was worried about the baby and helped arranging everything for our departure. We set out this afternoon, reaching the -Inn at ten to stay the nigh...
April 7th, 1763
His Lordship sent a letter to my father, inquiring after the baby´s health and his concern for it´s well-being. Father eyed me while reading it aloud to the others at the breakfast table. 'He´s a very fine young man, Emmeline. He´ll be an amicable, congenial and solicitous husband to you, my child.' - I do not doubt that. I only doubt that I ever could be such a wife for hi...
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