Leyland, May 17th, 1763

I went to bed last night at about twelve. The storm hadn´t ceased at all, howling in the trees close to the house. I heard the rain lashing the windows behind the inner shutters and drawn curtains. It was impossible to fall asleep, although I was terribly tired. I lay awake for half an hour, when the door opened and in came his Lordship. He saw me looking at him incredulously and instantly froze on the spot. I heard him taking a deep breath and he came towards the bed stopping at the bedpost, still holding my gaze; or stare. I do not know which. He frowned at it, sat down on the edge of the bed, not leaving my face and reaching for my hand. 'I will respect it, my Lady, if you do not wish me to stay... tonight.' I couldn´t breath. I only recall me removing my left hand from his and turning away. He got up the bed and quietly left the chamber.
I think I cried myself into sleep. When I woke up this morning, my head ached worse than ever. Jenna had stirred the fire, brought me tea and some scones. The shutters were open, the curtains only partly withdrawn from the windows, so the light was bearable enough. I felt sick, still do. I haven´t eaten anything and only drunk a cup of tea that was already grown cold by then.
Unfortunately I cannot lock my door. There are no keys for any door in my apartment. But Jenna came in only twice the whole day. Each time bringing and removing the meal I didn´t touch and the master's concern for my well-being.
It is dark again already and the only thing I feel myself being able to do is writing this and telling my sole confidante in this house, this diary, how unhappy I am, and sad. I feel like I´m eight years old and am forbidden to play outside because its too cold, muddy, too hot, too windy or whatsoever my nurse made up to keep me at my needlework or the harp lesson. And it is night again, the time of day I think I will dread the most, for only God knows how long. I had a bath earlier to lessen my headache, to rest a bit and most of all to becalm my eyes. I cried all day. I don´t know how to stop this misery and this self-pity. I embraced it too willingly...


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