July 6th, 1763

All of a sudden, Lord C decided to make my life with him more uneasy than before. I was in the garden with Harriet, for once not having to think or talk of this messed up alliance. Harriet was asked to see Mr O in the library and went away, while I kept tending to the flowers we actually wanted to gather for the dinner table. She wasn't gone for a moment when he came around a corner clearing his throat. Though it was very low I startled. He immediately apologised, but still came forward to stand close to me. Too close for my taste anyway...

"My lady, don't think me inhospitably, when I tell you that I am a little overstrained with your friends visit. Of course I won't send them away. I even like them very much and look forward to see them again any time." < I tried to interject something, which instantaneous slipped my mind, when came even closer and said > "But please, do not misunderstand me! I am very fond of them. < pause > "As I am of you and your being here... with me. Watching the Osbertons and seeing my friend Littledale enter such a happy union, is making me furious with me not to be able to give you the same; as I respect and esteem you so very much. < pause > "I am at a loss what I did wrong and what I should do to make your life with me more agreeable to you. I am here to ask you for your help, because I am desperate for you."

His pleading eyes nearly tore my heart apart, but at the same moment, that I wanted to give him everything he needed to be happier, I couldn't bring myself to speak a syllable. He knelt down and kissed my hand, lingered very long in that position, not giving it free. - I don't know if it was sort of salvation for me, but before I even could find anything to respond, someone called for Lord C to come somewhere. While my face was deep red and hot, my hands were cold as ice and he squeezed it in his hand before he stood and walked away - not looking at me.


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