June 27th, 1763

Today I confessed to Harriet all the drama about my marriage. And as I was telling her everything anyway, I also enclosed informations about last Friday's night. I couldn't write anything about it before. I was just so confused and also angry... frustrated... ashamed... It's just not working. I can see, that it probably, well, most certainly works with Harriet and Mr O. But it doesn't with HIM and me! I don't feel anything warm or comfortable when he comes near me; a slight tickling in my stomach, my heart beats, but... nothing that Harriet told me would happen within me, that happens within her. - I just can't feel him in my heart and let him come closer...

Harriet told me, that the richer and more well-born the family, the greater is their power to be exercised by parents to bring a certain match about and eldest sons are particularly exposed to parental pressure. Well, I know, that Frederick didn't want to marry me, as I didn't want to marry him. But while the most free are the younger sons, why did Lord C feel obliged to marry his brothers fianceè!? He cannot love me, can he!?


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